Perfection

I wrote this in a group in which I participate in the vast world of internet connection (called “Powerful Intentions”):

Just more of the same “talking to myself” about things, reflecting on some things I’m posting and reading there. Wes is a friend in the forum whom I love to tease.

One of the hardest things I find to accept — or have found — as I’ve wandered the hallways of P.I. is that of realizing I create this, and that what I see is a mirror.

What was the hardest for me was that I didn’t like what I saw, and what I saw was repulsive to me, and I found it hard to believe that somehow, that was a part of ME.

But coming from this perspective, realizing that the feelings of repulsion to it are HIDING PLACES for my power, and are actually gifts, really changes things.

The GAME is to convince myself that I’m not who I really am.

So the game goes like this:

I create stuff I don’t like. I create events and people in my life to play roles, like my mom, who appeared to disapprove of a lot of the things I did and the person I was. I created the interpretation of her behavior to result in my disapproval of myself in the same way.

So in that really amazing creation, I created that I didn’t like the thoughts and feelings I was having. I created all these thoughts and feelings to MAKE me dislike myself.

I really did well — I really cranked ‘er up in terms of the illusion and the game. I played hard — really, really hard.

I layered it upon layers.

I went to counseling, which was supposed to help, but I used what the counselors and others said against myself. I interpreted what they said as judgment, and I found that what they said was really hard to do or to believe, so I further judged and disapproved of myself because I couldn’t believe or feel it in my heart.

I created all kinds of explorations — religion, spirituality, psychology, therapy — myriad ways of approaching my “pain.” Even the Law of Attraction fed into this. Not because any of this is inherently wrong, but I created it to NOT WORK, in order to play the game even better! Wow! How amazing.

And so, I created that people would tell me what I saw was a mirror of my beliefs. Guess what that did? I hated that. Because I hated the feelings, I hated that I was creating these mirrors, I hated that I couldn’t seem to change what I saw, I created that I couldn’t seem to change what I felt about what I saw, I created that I couldn’t seem to change myself to feel or believe differently so that I could see changes in what was reflected back to me, I created people to tell me what I was doing wrong and what I was doing right, I created people to get on my nerves and piss me off and then I created judgment of myself and sometimes apparent judgment by others to affirm how flawed I was, I created being unable to raise my vibration, I created hearing people say, “Just be happy” and I created feeling like crap because I couldn’t do that…I created the emotional scale ala Abe not making sense or working for me. And I also created a lot of wonderful aspects of all of this to actually work and help for me, so that there would be the element of “this works, but why doesn’t it work all the freakin’ time?” so that I felt bad about why I couldn’t “make it work” every time, and I created searching for formula after formula…

you get the song and dance.

And then I created bumping into this stuff.

And what I created then was realizing that all of this was perfectly designed by me, for me, and that it is all perfection and that there is no doing it wrong, even though I still live in the illusion that I can do this wrong.

And then I created Wes, and that’s when the whole thing fell apart.

JUST KIDDING!

So, now I can accept that these things are mirrors. They are not mirrors saying that this “bad” stuff is in me or in others or in those who come into my orbit –

they are mirrors that become gifts to show me where my power is hidden.

they are evidence of how well I’ve played the game, because they feel like crap, and I designed them that way.

Now, the crap becomes the portal through which I reclaim that power and I find what I was looking for…over time.

But first I accept all the “crap,” lock, stock and barrel…face straight into it, and I do not need to judge it as bad anymore.

Crap is a creation. Crap is an illusion.

Even the idea that illusion is some fluffy, airy-fairy stuff that makes me weird, sitting in some la-la land, repelling everyone around me (ha), or keeping me alone, is an illusion and is also a creation, a part of how I keep my power hidden.

Every single solitary iota of discomfort is that.

And that is all this is about.

That is all.

I get to choose when to face into the “crap” or when to get pissed and ruminate and stay that way for days or weeks or months or years…all I am choosing is to not “open the power” to it — that’s it. I’m not a bad person, I’m not punishing myself, I’m not delaying my enlightenment (which is an illusory creation I designed to fulfill my purpose of convincing myself I’m needing to be enlightened in the first place). I create the hierarchies, the jealousy, the fights about what is right or wrong.

I create the need to convince others of anything. And I create them to need to be convinced, when there is nothing to convince anyone about nor is there anyone to convince — just the illusion of such…

and I create the illusion to live in and love, because that’s what I am. Love, and the reality of the illusion is to be lived in…

and I can embrace it and play in it as I choose, in any way I want.

I can cling to an illusion or I can bust out of it.

Staying in an illusion is not bad. It is just living in the energy of that illusion. Not even for better or for worse, since better and worse don’t exist. Whoa.

I can even criticize myself for wanting to convince anyone of anything, and that, too, is judgment, and even that is perfect.

I can see that I wrestle against myself all the time.

But then, that is where I have hidden my power, and that is how well I’ve played the game, and that is the discomfort in which I dive, when I’m aware that I’m doing it and/or when I am led to do so, when I call it to my own attention — no judgment about it…

because I can live in perfect trust that I am guiding myself to the exact right moments of reclaiming, no matter what any other aspects of myself / creations tell me, or hint to me. Because I’m creating them to do that anyway.

I can live in the illusion like I always have, and wait, and let these reminders come to me, by me, from me, for me, without effort. Easy world. Even when I’m living in the midst of the illusion of struggle.

Strain and struggle is my creation…and I see it that way. People who piss me off ARE my creation — who have agreed to be a part of it, as I have in theirs, but it’s not my place to analyze how I fit into theirs, because we all are creating together in PERFECT JOY AND LOVE even if it appears that we are not agreeing on how that works or why, or even IF it’s happening!

There is nothing to criticize or change.

I have created well — because I still want to criticize the illusion that I have so adeptly created.

I want to put the “BUT” and the “I’m sorry” and the “Oh, well” in here…and the…”one day”…

and there is no need at all. And even if I do, it’s perfect.

This is the Power of Now.

There is nothing wrong with Eckhart Tolle, or Oprah, or James Ray and the sweat lodge “fiasco” — ooh, I feel lots of power hidden in those!

So I know what to do, and I can do it if I choose, or wax eloquent and opine about all these things.

Whatever I wish, and it’s not wrong. It’s all love.

So I created the mirror repulsion as just one more way to hide my power. Aren’t I amazing?

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